Why I Never Say Goodbye

Words: Izzy Stokes Photograph: Ellie Connor-Phillips

I remember chasing after my aunties’ car when I was six, watching them drive off into the night to start a new life in Brazil, leaving five-year-old me clutching a snow globe and pingu toy as departure gifts from them, wondering if I would ever see them again.

I have never been able to do goodbyes, when I was younger this meant I found it hard saying bye to my friends after a sleepover, or saying bye to my mother when going on a school trip, but as I grew older, ‘goodbye’ became a word that terrified me, it’s presence threatening, a constant shadow over all my relationships, so much so that I began to pre-empt the departure of loved ones, holding on for dear life, which funnily enough, apparently puts people off you. Being seen as ‘clingy’ is a social death sentence that will achieve the exact thing you are terrified of, abandonment. 

I lived in fear of good-byes for my entire life, over every best friend, boyfriend, and important figure in my life, I spent half the time with them fretting over when I would eventually be left in the dirt, because “everyone eventually leaves me”. I truly believe that if you feed yourself the same thoughts, you will actualise them yourself, and over the span of a year, some of my nightmare thoughts were birthed in to reality, events happened to me that were pure fear imagined for me, I had lost what little control I believed I had, and to simplify it, I would have avoided much hurt if I had learnt to accept or even say ‘good-bye’ first.

Unfortunately, even if you want to walk away from a person, sometimes you feel like you’ve got cement blocks on your feet, and this can usually signify a multitude of problems, mainly involving boundaries, and codependency. Being co – dependent is a very scary place to be, as many of your choices are influenced by the person you have a co-dependent relationship with. Not sure if you are codependent or have co-dependent relationships? Ask yourself these questions, do you say yes to people when you mean no? Do you look for approval in your relationships? Do you feel responsible for your partner/friends’ feelings and actions? Do you put their needs above your own needs? Do you often feel burnt out and stressed by relationships? These are all classic co – dependency signs, combined with poor boundaries and limits, co-dependency can really fuck up your life, and it did for me, for over eight years of romantic relationships, to be exact. 

In my long-term relationship, I accepted abusive behaviour, total neglect, gaslighting, and general awfulness until the bitter end, I was the person that was left behind, extremely traumatised from the relationship and still unable to let go. Of course there were other factors that prevented me from leaving, as abusive situations are notoriously hard to walk away from, but ultimately I got dealt the final blow last year, where I was left in the most painful way imaginable, and I have spent every day since then regretting not walking, fuck, even running, away from that situation years ago. The thing is, I used to believe that if I left I would be a total mess, that I couldn’t exist without this person, in my mind they were what was keeping me sane, and that if they were gone I wouldn’t be able to carry on. It’s scary how much your mind can trick you in to really feeling those feelings, truly believing that you need another person to survive, but really, you will live, you will fucking thrive, and I can say that with confidence after being broken up for over a year now. Sure, my life is far from perfect, I have spent many nights in A&E during a crisis, I still feel horrifically lonely at times, and I had some extremely dark periods during this year, but I also got back in to therapy, moved in to my dream flat, got signed to a modelling agency, got in to the second year of my uni course, wrote more articles and poems than ever before, and even dated a genuinely great person, all during a pandemic too, so imagine what you could be doing in a year from now, if you could say goodbye to the relationships that aren’t serving you anymore? 

It’s definitely a process, and highly unlikely that one day you’ll wake up and decide to peace out of these relationships, but a good place to start would be to think about your boundaries with people close to you, try and consider if your needs are being met in your relationships, and if they aren’t, how can you create a boundary that protects you? Boundaries are a great bullshit detector for the people around you, because if someone doesn’t respect your wants and needs, it’s an indication of their respect for you, which can further guide you in deciding if this person should be a part of your life. 

I recommend following @Florencegiven on Instagram, her 2020 book “women don’t owe you pretty” is a brilliant place to start when exploring your codependent patterns and despite the title, it is a book that everyone who struggles with boundary setting, self-esteem, and relationships should read. Luckily there are so many resources on co-dependency and attachments online, where you can find realistic, informative, and actually useful advice on working through these issues. 

In all honesty, I am absolutely shit at following my own advice, and I still struggle with codependency and boundary setting in my personal life, except now I try and accept the reality of situations, and understand that saying goodbye is not something to be feared but more a signifier of an ending, and goodbye doesn’t always mean forever, but you have to make your peace with it to respect yourself and your growth, why stay in a situation that is hurting you, and perhaps when you begin to walk away from pain, you open yourself up to new situations, in a healthier mindset that will give future relationships the opportunity to be positive, loving, and ultimately a happier experience for you. As the wise Carrie Bradshaw once said “Are we masochists or optimists if we continue to walk that fine line? When it comes to relationships, how do you know when enough is enough?".